Heartache I've Never Felt Before

Not too many days ago, I wrote a post about how excited we were about adopting and how everything had fallen into place.  Little did I know, Jenn and I were going to be rocked to the core.

If you know me, you know I have a huge heart and can at times show my emotions well.  That goes for everything, my excitement can sometimes be "over the top."  When I'm coaching this is the most evident.  Anyway, when I fully devote myself to things, my passion is always evident.

Of course, if you read my previous post, you see that I was fully devoted to this little girl who wasn't even born yet.  Jenn and I had chosen a name, received tons of donations and gifts, had the room all setup, and our families had begun to be excited.

I know what you're thinking, "Kalon, you knew the possibility of not receiving this child," and yes I did, but the events leading up to this weekend led us to believe this was about 85% sure.  

Now, let's get to Friday night about 10:30.  Jenn got a phone call from our contact person, our bridge between us and the birth mother.  Her reaction immediately told me that something wasn't right.  Long story short, the birth mother wasn't sure what she wanted to do.  So we waited, then at 1:30 on Saturday afternoon, we got the call that she decided to keep the baby.

We were in our car on the way back from getting sno-balls, in order to distract ourselves from worry as we waited for news.  When Jenn's phone rang, we knew it was news.  She put her dad (who thankfully helped us through the entire process, we are so thankful) on speaker and he informed us that he'd heard from the case worker at the hospital and that the birth mother was going to keep the baby and attempt to raise her.

I pulled into our garage, Jenn got out of the car, and I just sat there.  A thousand emotions running through my brain.  A thousand thoughts racing through my mind.  But no words.  I couldn't say anything.  Strangely, I walked into our bathroom and leaned up against the window and cried.  I came as close to wailing as I've ever gotten.  There's no word to describe the loss I felt at that moment.

Now go back to Friday at lunch.  I usually spend my lunch break listening to music or podcasts.  Friday for some reason, orchestrated by God obviously, I listened to the following podcast.

That is exactly what I needed to hear, however, I didn't know it yet.  

The passage Judah used was Psalm 130. 

Judah speaks about how we see the songwriter at an end.  He's wondering if God is still hearing him.  In just the first verse we see that.  Jenn and I both experienced that Saturday.  I don't think we thought God wasn't listening, our question get more like "God, do you know what you're doing?"  I can remember growing up, I never understood that I could ask questions like that.  It wasn't that I was told not to, but felt as though when something happened, God would be upset if I questioned His ways.  I know now, that it's healthy to wonder what's going on and God is not going to smite me for asking Him a question.  

Moving on, I had spent most of the early morning hours of Saturday reading through the Psalms.  I was kind of scrambling to prepare my mind and my heart.  When we got that call though, for a second, nothing was making me feel any better.  

We cried and cried and cried.  We received texts and calls all day.  Jenn, who hadn't slept Friday night/Saturday morning, went to bed to take a nap.  I am not a napper, so I laid on the couch and watched TV.  

I read the Bible, I looked at quotes, and googled "when the birth mother decides to keep the baby." 

There was a phrase that kept ringing in my head.  Something Judah said in the podcast. 

I knew that God had a plan.  I still have no idea where we are headed next, but I know a few things:

A) God is in complete control of Mine and Jenn's future and any kids he chooses to bless us with

B) There is a child out there for Jenn and I.  There's a child that will need a mother and a father who will love them with all their hearts, and they'll find that in us.  

C) All your support, financial or otherwise, will still go to fund our adoption journey.  I kept telling Jenn throughout Friday night and Saturday, "this isn't over." It's not!  We will still pursue the avenue of adoption, even if we are blessed with our own kid.

D) That little girl and her mother need your prayers too.  Jenn wrote in her blog yesterday that maybe that's what all this was for.  Maybe that little girl and her mother need all these hundreds of people praying for them.  

So yeah, I experienced heartache that I've never felt.  And no, it's not all completely better.  To steal from Jenn, yesterday was better than the day before, and today is better than yesterday, then tomorrow will be better.  

I know He hears me.  I know He's faithful.   I know this pain will not last.  I know I'm not the only one. 

Thank you all for the love and support you have shown Jenn and I over the last five weeks or so.  Please be reminded, this is not the end of our journey...it's only the beginning!